


Selbstgespräch (Another Declaration of Love)

by devils_first_angel



Category: Original Work
Genre: F/F, There are no proper tags for this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-14
Updated: 2019-02-14
Packaged: 2019-10-27 19:21:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17772746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/devils_first_angel/pseuds/devils_first_angel
Summary: Read through it before judging.





	Selbstgespräch (Another Declaration of Love)

**Author's Note:**

> Read through it before judging.

'I can see you want to talk about it.'  
'I really don't.'  
'Alright...'  
'...'  
'What?'  
'Nothing.'  
'Sure.'  
A few minutes of silence. Then.  
'You know I've always despised the way people make a principle of being sulking over being alone on Valentine's Day. It's so clichè!'  
'And you don't despise that anymore?'  
'Oh no, I still do.'  
'But?'  
'What?'  
'Well, aren't you sulking yourself?'  
'Well... I reckon it's quite a different thing with Valentine's Day being such an important day in our story. I don't sulk on principle.'  
'I see.'  
'Also, I'd like to make an exception and say I understand people who find themselves sulking on their first Valentine's Day alone.'  
'You've spent countless Valentine's Days alone.'  
'Yeah, but that's not what I mean. Nobody quite prepares you for your first Valentine's Day after your first real relationship ended. That's the real first. And I guess I can understand that being upsetting because, well....it's quite a shock.'  
'So that's why you're sulking?'  
'No. Or well, maybe. I'm not sulking, anyway. I'm just....pensive.'  
'Ah.'  
'It's just.... I knew this day would come, but I still don't know what to say....'  
'So you've thought about it?'  
'Of course I have.'  
'But nothing comes to mind?'  
'I thought about “Happy Valentine's Day. I will always love you.“'  
'But?'  
'Well, I'm unsure wether it's appropriate. It's....strange to say it now. I still feel it, of course. And I'm sure she knows. It's just....'  
'You've stopped saying it a while ago.'  
'Yeah, the inconsistency of it being said back or not wasn't doing me good. Also there was that time in August...'  
'When you were looking for a flat?'  
'Yeah, when I asked her if she still loved me.'  
'Right. I remember that.'  
'It's not.....you know, I'm fairly certain it's not..... We're fine, things are good. And I'm confident we will in a way always love each other. Doubtlessly confident, in fact.'  
'But you never dared ask again.'  
'Not because I was afraid of the answer. Not really anyway, you know. Rather...because I realised the asking wasn't doing me good. And it also wasn't fair on my part.'  
'And so saying it again now would also feel unfair?'  
'It's not - she knows she's not obligated to say it back. She has never been as I have never been. I just.... I did my best to get away from being desperate the past months. I got around to accepting that things are how they are by any time and that it varies. I got around to accepting my occasional pain about it and not knowing for sure how she feels so much anymore. I even accepted that I cannot take distance from her and don't want to and it doesn't help anyway, if anything it makes things worse, and that I will sometimes feel weird because it seems desperate how I communicate with her and little comes back. It may even BE desperate, but it's fine. We have always appreciated each other in every way we are and this is me and I am dealing with it, so it's fine.'  
'What is wrong with saying it then?'  
'I haven't managed to accept the feeling of being unfair yet, I suppose.'  
'Because you broke up with her?'  
'Because I broke up with her in the most dishonourable fashion ever.'  
'And you don't believe she's forgiven you?'  
'That's not it.... I mean, she never quite said it. And I know I hurt her. Twice, too. I never quite believed she dealt as well with it the first time as she assured me again and again she did.... I feel I have treated her unfairly and claiming anything anymore - even if I don't really, when I dare merely sound like I claim anything..... It seems wrong.'  
'But she asked you to set boundaries. You did and she accepted.'  
'Yes....'  
'Don't you think that you doubting that is a little disrespectful of her independet decision?'  
'It probably is. And I feel so sorry for that. It probably makes it worse... I just - cannot quite help it....?'  
'Why not?'  
'It always changes.... I feel like sometimes each of us is more or less okay with it. I can't quite believe how much I destroyed with my stupid handling of that break-up!'  
'Oh c'mon, you who you always muse over how strong your relationship is and always will be - now you tell me you feel you destroyed it?'  
'Ugh, I don't know. I just feel like I'm less over it than she is. Or maybe I just assume so. And either seems unfair again.'  
'You're being ridiculous.'  
'I know.'  
'And what do you plan to do about that?'  
'You know this stupid quote - I don't remember who said it - that the best way to get over a woman is to write a book about her?'  
'Yes?'  
'Well, it always seemed fucked up to me, right? You write a book about someone reflecting on your side and just publish that story no matter how they might feel about it!'  
'But?'  
'No “but.“'  
'Why do you mention it then?'  
'Okay, maybe there is.....not quite a “but“, but a “yet“?'  
'Okay...'  
'Well, it seems unfair again. And yet.... I have never explained it all to her because it is so hard to put down. A lot seems too irrational to explain - but it's not fair towards her to use that as an excuse not to explain it. Also, I do suppose, it is a healthy way to work over a break-up. Art channels pain.'  
'You did that, too.'  
'Yes, I changed the fifth act of my brothers again.... That sonett was quite the thing. But I didn't write an entire thing about it.'  
'And then there is your plan for the comrad.'  
'That still needs time.... And I'm not sure about that. Also, I reflect more on my relationship with HIM in that...'  
'But you do want to kind of fix it in that story.'  
'Yes, yes, yes..... Okay. I reflect on two of my most important relationships in that, alright. I cannot do art without her and that's been giving me a hard time. Or maybe I can, but I don't find it in me to do so. He's the only other person who inspires me nearly as much, but it's still not the same and..... Well, I've found I don't want to do art without her influence on me. I'm better with her.'  
'No need to excuse yourself. I'm just saying.'  
'But I won't write a thing specifically about her.'  
'Because you don't want to get over her.'  
'....No, I don't.'  
'And you feel ashamed for that?'  
'No, not ashamed. I have gotten over any shame for love a long time ago.'  
'If not shame, what then?'  
'Guilty. For pushing her away, breaking up with her, doing her wrong and then still wanting everything.'  
'Everything, really?'  
'It's always been everything.... But then I don't give her everything because I'm too.....'  
'Afraid? Ambitious otherwise? Unconcentrated? Lazy? Selfish?'  
'All of that, perhaps? She's made me a better person, you know. And there I was feeling I couldn't overcome myself.... That I couldn't possibly bear - no, that I shouldn't accept that she would be ready to bear that I want everything, but don't want to give everything.'  
'Disrespectful again. She can speak and stand up for herself and she would have, had you continued and had you “mistreated“ her that way.'  
'Exactly.'  
'What?'  
'You see.... How I always felt that way - it's so self-centered to think someone deserves better than you - and wouldn't trust her to take care of herself and balance “us“ although I rationally knew she was better.... It was driving me insane. My own unfairness and how I could not NOT concentrate on it and obviously only thought of myself when seemingly thinking of her.... I disgusted myself. I couldn't take anymore. Things couldn't be quite right if I felt that way!'  
'And you couldn't have communicated that?'  
'Not at the time. I needed space. I thought I had found myself thanks to her and then it was so deeply unsettling to see I hadn't found myself at all yet. There were these great balances of my life and they were about to break away and I thought it through and found I couldn't bare one of them staying when I had to built new ones elsewhere and didn't know who and what I was anyway.'  
'Have you regretted it?'  
'I sure have. I still believe it to have been the right decision for the time, I do. And I am still most insecure in a lot of things. No day has gone by without me regretting how it happened. And from time to time I have regretted that things weren't different. That I didn't find solace somehow and weren't capable of dealing with it. I sometimes find myself dreaming about how things would be now. But, really, at the time I couldn't... And it was the right decision.'  
'What is so upsetting now, then?'  
'How feelings evolve, but stay the same basically, but relationships change and change.... Isn't it crazy?'  
'It's part of life.'  
'Yes. And still.... It's weird. Because it's not lost. There are so many chances. So many ways our lives might still go, joined rather than seperated in total.'  
'And that's scary?'  
'Yes. Considering how ridiculous and bad I have been behaving. Considering how I am still at a loss of myself and knowing what I am or want. Our love is strong. And I can't help feeling.... What if I keep hurting her, not meaning to, but being helpless and flawed as I am, until she's had enough? Really, I owe a lot to her, I am so grateful she still let's me be close to her like that despite all that's been, but I could understand too if she didn't and so what if one day she doesn't anymore and I'd deserve it, too. Or what if I am so scared of that that I won't dare try not to hurt her, but risking it...'  
'I see.'  
'It's bitter, sometimes. It's awkward, sometimes. I feel like I tend to make it too much of a topic, our past, how wrongly I behaved. I am often being ridiculous in how I cannot see beyond that, see what we are, have always been, will probably always be. Loving each other. And still I cannot help it.'  
'Hm. And in that current inbalance from your side saying “I love you“ feels more selfish than it every should still.'  
'Yes, it feels.....kind of like asking for something I want, but wanting it being a terrible thing in a weird way....'  
'So you don't dare ask.'  
'Also, I....don't know if I really know what I'd be asking for. I....would probably know what I want in a way and still....not really know what I'd ask for.'  
'Don't you think she knows you better?'  
'Possibly. Probably. I've been incapable of expressing so much to her for a long time... And that feels so terrible... I don't know.'  
'Hm.'  
'Yeah....'  
'And now?'  
'I thought maybe you might tell me?'  
'And what if none of us has an answer?'  
'I.....'  
'Maybe she has an answer, you know.'  
'...'  
'Don't you think?'  
'I do.'  
'But?'  
'What do I say to her?'  
'Maybe all this?'  
'Isn't it kind of awkward.... Like asking for forgiveness again?'  
'I don't think so. I think, it's.....well...'  
'What?'  
'I think it's but another deceleration of love. Explaining, that is. Daring. Asking. Thanking. Perhaps apologising, too.'  
'That's scary.'  
'The apology, yes. The explaining. The asking. Because you don't know what to expect. But not the decleration of love. You're good at that. You've always been.'  
'I reckon that is because it's so true.'  
'It's saying “I love you“, then.'  
'Ideed.'  
'It's always been.'  
'It has.'

**Author's Note:**

> Sharing this like this is....challenging to me? But I hope it'll be good for me. And I hope you don't disapprove of me doing it and understand.
> 
> Now, to relieve the tension, because it's tradition and I still find that joke funny,  
> “How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?  
> ...  
> One. We are very efficient and not funny.“
> 
> Faithfully,  
> the devil's first angel


End file.
